This is a poem about body image, body hatred, and exploring sexuality with a new lover while wrestling with those .. and losing.
I asked for the lights out.
Hidden beneath piles of your blankets,
I wasn’t strong enough to let you undress me.
When your hand accidentally pushed the fabric aside
Exposing my stomach to the dark of your room,
I snapped out of the moment with you;
That precious, much anticipated moment,
To clutch the blankets tight around my waist
When you looked down the length of me,
I couldn’t look at your face.
I didn’t want to see you struggle to be okay with my body.
In that moment,
I regretted every French fry that has ever touched my lips.
My eyes shut tight, as if I could blank out your view,
I missed the way you gazed at me,
Imagining instead a look of disgust –
Though I have never seen anything less than love on your face.
I lost myself to the moment only once.
Your eyes latched onto mine,
Your hands exploring every curve of me.
I was lost in your gaze
And for a few minutes I could feel you.
I could feel your desire for me,
And I was too lost in your eyes
To deny it.